Perfection

Last night I met a goddess, her name is LuLu.

She is perfection. She is gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. Like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense.

She was so perfect that at once the question of the existence of God was affirmed and shattered to pieces. Only a divine touch could form a creature of such overwhelming beauty, it could not be the chance formation of molecules. Yet, at the same time, the idea of "God" is that he is the ultimate, the alpha and the omega; so how could he then create something to rival his own perfection, making him not the ultimate anymore? And if he indeed could not create this other perfect being, then isn't he himself not perfect? and therefor not God? It brings to mind that age old philosophical question "Could god microwave a burrito so hot that even he couldn't eat it?"

She is very sexy. She reminded me a lot of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid. Her features were sharp and beautiful, with an air of boundless calm confidence, safe in the knowledge that they represent all the is right and beautiful in the world ... and her nose had been shot off by French soldiers. (well, not really ... but the rest yes)

This kind of beauty can cure disease.
This kind of beauty is poison.
This kind of beauty can end wars.
This kind of beauty can start wars.
This kind of beauty will alter a man's destiny with a glance
This kind of beauty is what they wrote about in the Old Days.
This kind of beauty is what inspired Homer and Shakespeare and Leonardo Da Vinci.
This kind of beauty is why the Trojan War was started.
This kind of beauty is why cavemen drew on walls.

I can feel my own life has been irrevocably altered.

I sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart" to her during a prolonged Karaoke session. "I Fucking need you now tonight" was never screamed with as much conviction.

This session also included such hits as:

"Highway to The Danger Zone"
"House of the Rising Sun"
"Dust in The Wind"
"Winds of Change"
"Let It Be"
"Bicycle"

As well as an endless amount of Chinese songs.

I lost badly to her in a game of Dice which involved drinking.
I passed out.
I woke up in my bed, alone.

I now know the true depths of the emotion they call shame.
I now know what true loss is.

I'm a better man for it.

She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

327 and the Tea Pillow

Tiger #327 is one of the few remaining male South China Tigers in existence, and the other day he was flown down to Africa for the process of "re-wildification." Considering he's lived his entire life in captivity and is only known by his ID number, I'd say he has a long way to go. During this process he will be paired with a female South China Tiger in the hopes that they will breed and kick start the species out of the endangered zone. The female tigers name is Kathy. I know, I know ... kathy and #327, sounds like so many story book romances we've read and seen on the big screen, but it might not be as easy as it seems on paper. Kathy has been living out in the wild now for sometime, and as such, has certain expectations for her man. #327 on the other hand, has been spoon feed only the finest animal entrails his whole life and it was reported that the feel of grass under his paws frightened him so much that he ran back into his cage. I makes me wonder if Kathy will be able to accept such a huge pussy ... oh well, we'll see.

Oh the Tea Pillow. I was asked this morning, by a surprising chinese commercial read in engilish, if I could even imagine the possibilities of a combination of famous chinese tea, and pillows. The first thing that popped into my head was terror and panic, this seemed like something out of my worst nightmares. But then I calmed down and I thought, and I managed to think of 2 immediate possibilities of a combination between Tea leaves and a pillow. The first thing I thought of is what normal people would call a tea bag. We dip it in hot or cold water to make tea. The second thing I thought of was a Tea Pillow. It turns out they were referring to the later, and as it turned out I had been able to imagine the possibilities ... I was fairly proud of myself. Apparently by stuffing a pillow full of tea leaves you can be magically transported to the Ancient Chinese Tea gardens, which are famous the world over ... for their tea. Unfortunately you are only transported in your dreams, and when you wake up the side of your face is stained a nasty brackish color and your whole head smells like tea. Apparently it is also not advisable for you lay on this pillow when your hair is wet, otherwise you'll get tea all over your bed. I guess they either hadn't worked out the kinks associated with sleeping on a giant tea bag, or they just didnt want to. But either way kudos to them, I'm sure they'll make a nice amount of money off of this Tea Pillow. Anything associated with Tea, and the pure awesomeness of Chinese Tea, sells like hot cakes here ... hot cakes with tea leaves in them.

May Holiday

So this is my first post in May. It's also the first post following my birthday.

My birthday fun, if uneventful. Santana and Karl had just come back from Qingdao and met me at Attica for a completely overpriced drink, nestled among the white and wealthy people of shanghai, as well as a few girls walking around in their panties. Santana especially appreciated this aspect.

After that Karl and his girlfriend were beat, so they called it a night, and Santana and I made our way to our favorite all night eatery, 5 star. It was a good meal, and sorely needed. That kind of meal keeps you grounded in reality.

We returned back to my apartment so Santana could sleep on the Sofa, and that was that.

I don't have to energy to continue, maybe ill write more later.

This is hard to say ...

But I quit.


To those who know me well, this will draw comparison's to the famous Dulaney Lion's Baseball Scandal of 2002, which saw me quit as captain of the Dulaney Lions Baseball team solely because I did not want to miss the champions league final between Real Madrid and Leverkusen.

But, just because they gave me the title of Deputy GM does not mean that they treated me like one in this company. No indeed, I was treated very poorly. Even though my work was excellent and very critical to the operation of the business, I was lied to, made to work long hours with no overtime, and even denied the use of my passport via them putting it in their household safe. I was also horribley underpaid and lied to about future pay raises and incentive packages.

The Dulaney Lions were innocent, and I left them; The company in Shanghai (name omitted) were horribly corrupt and inept at the same time, and deserve many horrible things. horrible.

I have several jobs on the horizon, the one that will end up suiting me best for now seems to be a teaching position. My main goal for the time being is to improve my chinese so that I can pass a proficiency test and get into a Master's Degree program. The teaching position, unlike my current one, affords me that time. I have not come to start a business career; I am not a businessman.

By the by, I do not regret quitting as captain of the dulaney lions baseball team to watch that champions league final, for several reason. Zidane hit an amazing left footed volley into the upper 90, and it was the last final that madrid has won to date. Although i'm not a madrid fan, I am a Zidane fan ... and it was an entertaining game.

New Tea festival

So I went to this festival on Saturday called the "Neo Cha Neo Con festival" ... anyway there were no neo conservatives so it was very fun. www.neocha.com is the website for this event and if anyone reading this can read chinese, you're more than welcome to give it a look, but i'll summarize it here. It was held in an old abandoned industrial factory along the SuZhou creek in Shanghai's ZhongShan Park area. It was a really cool looking place, it was falling apart and dirty and definitely grunge-chic. The place has 3 floors and they were all filled with various festival activities.
The first floor was an exhibition area. Anyone could apply for a booth to display whatever they wanted, but it was mostly artsy type stores and artists peddling their goods. It had some interesting stuff and alot of people who made mini movie theatres out of their booths and showed short movies. There were some crazy underground chinese independent films, it was interesting.
The second floor was a lounge area mixed with an area for an art display. The art display was multiple clotheslines with polaroid pictures hanging off of them. These polaroids were taken of people as they walked around the festival, with or without their knowledge, it was interesting to look at.
The third floor was the music venue and had room for atleast 1000 people ... and although I would say more than that came to the festival, most spent their time wandering around not staying in one place, but it was ok since the music could heard from from anywhere within 3 blocks. I hung out with one band in particular, they were called the Banana Monkeys. Actually they were very very good. I think they're some sort of chinese superband made up of people that have been around for awhile, because they arent young, and everyone seems to knoe punkw them, even though they have only recorded two songs and their cd doesnt come out until nov. Anyway they played spirited sex pistols meets VU type rock/punk. It was good, and he is definitely a screamer.

CG Jesus

Just thought I'd let whoever reads this know that China has produced it's own computer generated version of the crucifixion and eventual rebirth of the J-man. Rest easy my children! for Jesus was recreated in CG form with meticulously crafted pixel shading to ensure the accurate recreation of that smooth olive skin and muscled physique Jesus was known for. There was even a cute dog, seemingly of the terrier variety. What was Jesus doing with a terrier in the Mediterranean long before the breed had ever been popularized outside of Northern Great Britain you might ask? Blasphemer! The Christ-God can have any dog he likes!

You thought watching Christ whipped and beaten and crucified upon the cross in The Passion of the Christ was gut-wrenching ... just imagine the emotional beating you would have received if you had seen all of that PLUS a computer generated adolescent terrier crying on the side of the road as well. Well, I won't describe it to you because if I did, just reading the written word off of this page would make your eyes bleed and your souls turn black and dry up ... but it was hard to watch.

Before watching this I had doubts about the validity of Jesus being crucified on the cross ... did it really happen, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure until I saw this program on Chinese TV. Now I'm sold.

On a completely unrelated note, I met three girls last night ... Lavender, Swallow and Spit. Lavender was a nice girl who I met at a bar, we got to chatting and will probably continue to do so. Swallow and Spit I met at a different bar. But as you can imagine, their take on how to go about living life was dramatically different. I got along much better with swallow, and so we shall continue chatting. Spit, however, was too uptight ... and so we shall not continue to converse. go figure.



*Actual names (except Spit ... that was a comedy bit ... but Swallow is real)

The Dirty Mango

Yes, I ate several dirty mango's and they were juicy, succulent and very very mango-ey. But in the end they betrayed me, and instead of satisfying my intense appetite for this most delicious orange fruit, they made me very horribly ill. So ill that I had to go to the hospital and stay there overnight and get IV's put into my arm and other interesting things inserted into various places that should not be giving entry to such things.

I have since been freed from that horrible place, and I'm still the same old me ... less a few pounds and my dignity. The road to recovery is a hard one though, so I find myself back in the City Diner sipping bottomless coke and nibbling on a banana split ... what a fucking hell.

So, for this entire week I've been home from work. Just sitting around watching Stephen Chow movies, reading up on my Chinese, and occasionally running to the bathroom to shit my brains out. paradise.

While I was sprawled out on my bed watching TV I saw a news report. This news report focused on a school for the mentally handicapped. They might as well have just printed the script from the Strangers With Candy Episode about retards and scrolled it across the screen in glaring hot pink letters:

Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to ‘Retardation: A Celebration.’

Now, hopefully with this book, I’m gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don’t rule the night. They don’t rule it – nobody does. And they don’t run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don’t lock eyes with ‘em, don’t do it. Puts ‘em on edge. They might go into berserker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming, ‘No, no, no,’ – all they hear is, ‘Who wants cake?’

Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake.

Well, that’s it for the celebration. I guess the most important thing to remember is, they’re just like you and me.

Substitute 'Wilfred Brimley' with '#3 Dispatcher of Absolute Truth from your All Knowing Communist Overlords' and I'd say you've got a pretty standard Chinese news report.

That day I was hearing a report from the kind of person who would say "I'm not racist, I have 2 black friends and we get along great!" or "I'm not racist, I teach black kids." The report went something like this (translated roughly and to put full emphasis on their choice of words): "blah blah blah school is here blah blah ... and there is something about these kids that normal people like us will never understand. Things that would make normal people like you or I sad or afraid, only serve as entertainment for their strange minds. Some people may ask, "What is the use of teaching them?" Well here with one possible answer is Teacher Zhou, who is brave enough to attempt to educate these children, even while they are mocked by local villagers..."

This voice over was set against the backdrop of a full compliment of retarded children running down the street ... presumably fleeing some imaginary foe only visible to them in their feeble, confused minds. They were all there: The Living Ham, Baxter, Gurm, even Frankenstein made a frightening appearance as he stumbled down the street in terror. They must have opened the gates and come after them with cattle prods to cause such a stampede.

Actually it's a miracle these kids have survived as long as they have. Usually they would kill you at birth just for being female, which is bad enough, just imagine the hearts of gold their parents must have had not to throw her down the unwanted baby-hatch as soon as the Living Ham began her assault on all the known human senses of perception. They just waited a few years and cast her into a re-titled prison, with no hope of escape. Alcatraz is one of the most famous prisons in the USA ... only 2 people have ever escaped, but they've never been found since. The prison that The Living Ham finds herself in has nothing barring her exit, except for a gate that is more of a showpiece than anything else. The true barrier, as they would tell you in the news report, is in the mind of the Living Ham herself. An insurmountable collection of mystical foes and terrifying landscapes. A land where looking towards the setting sun does not bring with it the hope of a better tomorrow, it only brings the promise of pain and unmitigated fear. The retarded children, we are informed, laugh not out of joy or happiness, but out of pure terror. That is something for you to think about the next you want to help by dangling a pretty flower in their face and making funny noises. They don't see a flower ... They see a towering death scorpion holding the pain and suffering of all creation in its claws, and a gruesome stinger poised to bring down every ounce of wrath and godfury upon they're quivering face. Your soothing noises are the scorpions war call and the tolling of the death bell wrapped in one. Just think about it.

Speaking of Unwanted Baby Hatches, I heard that Japan just approved the first unwanted baby hatch for use in hospitals. Happy Days.